Poem: Sometimes I’m Blind-sided by Beauty

Sometimes I’m Blind-sided by Beauty

The flash and fire of trees flaring into autumn, the deep 

purple of African violets a student gave me, the pattern

of sun and shade on a brick wall, the blonde child sitting with

his family at a patio table at the hotel, the child whom I’ve

never seen before who turns to me and smiles.

How gratified I am for these moments. blessed and perfect

as a new moon, the stars, and the way they carry me

beyond all I’ve lost, the way I keep expecting you to be

there when I come home, the way I forget how empty

a house can be when no one we love is in it, how quiet it is

after years of nurse’s aides and handymen, years of your illness

with all its equipment-Hoya lifts and wheelchairs and urinals

and lift chairs and canes-packed into every room. It is almost

as though I am afraid of the rooms so perfect and empty, rooms

I pass through to answer the door or collect the mail, and the way

I glance sideways into the dining room, surprised each time to see

your bed and equipment are no longer there.

Sometimes I’m blind-sided by beauty, my breath caught

in my throat, my memory of your face bending toward me,

your face lit by lamplight on that corner of New York City,

your eyes that incredible gray-blue, the high cheekbones

of your face. For a moment you came back to me as you

we e all those years ago, you walking with John in married

student housing at Rutgers, our son John, a year old

and wide-eyed, and you in your horn-rimmed glasses,

your Rutgers sweatshirt, you walking toward me.

This poem also appears online at thequiver.org 

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Maria Mazziotti Gillan's new poetry collection is When the Stars Were Still Visible (2021). Other recent publications are the poetry and photography collection, Paterson Light and Shadow and the poetry collections What Blooms in Winter and The Girls in the Chartreuse Jackets which pairs her poems with her paintings. Maria's artist's website is MariaMazziottiGillan.com and her poetry website is MariaGillan.com.