Poem: What is This Absence in the Heart?

In a recent article by Carla Francellini, "What is This Absence in the Heart? - L'inedito di Maria Mazziotti Gillan," the author analyzes Maria Mazziotti Gillan's unpublished poem "What is This Absence in the Heart?" in the context of her abundant and generous lyrical production, taking into account the most relevant critical studies at the moment. 

One of the most prolific Italian/American poets, Gillan dedicates this unpublished poem to her relationship with her son, John. The poem sheds light on Gillan's most intimate production, rather than her more familiar poems about her long-lasting search for her ethnic identity.

Carla Francellini is a researcher in the Dipartimento di Filologia e Critica delle Letterature Antiche e Moderne at the University of Siena in Italy. 

What Is This Absence in the Heart?

So much that is broken or lost,

so much that we can never get back.

In memory, you still lean into the circle 

of my arm, lean your heavy head 

against my chest.

I read a book to you. You are two years old, 

in your flannel pajamas, getting ready to sleep, 

you will keep on asking for another book 

and then another. During the day you sit

in the wicker clothes basket playing with Matchbox cars 

or turning the pages in a book that you can’t read 

but have already memorized.  

So many hours between then and now.

So much that is broken or lost.

Your voice on the phone tells me how you are, 

though you no longer tell me.

We are so alike, you and I, that I know

the sound of your voice when you’re unhappy,

the tightness in it, the tense tone,

the heaviness of it, weighing you down 

as though you were carrying stones in your pocket, 

and how it leaves me afraid for you,

leaves me struggling for words to erase your sorrow.

I wish I could carry us both back to those days  

when I held you in my arms and where there was 

always something I could do to help you - 

not like now when the distance between us 

can be counted in more than miles. 

We both know you need to take care of everyone, 

to fix what is broken in those you love, 

in this way we are alike, and that is the one thing 

you cannot bear to know.

      - Maria Mazziotti Gillan

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Maria Mazziotti Gillan's newest poetry collection is When the Stars Were Still Visible (2021). Other recent publications are the poetry and photography collection, Paterson Light and Shadow, and the poetry collections What Blooms in Winter and The Girls in the Chartreuse Jackets, a pairing of her poems with her paintings.
Maria's artist website is MariaMazziottiGillan.com and her poetry website is MariaGillan.com.