Poem: When My Son Still Kissed Me Goodnight

Maria Gillan's poem "When My Son Still Kissed Me Goodnight," has been nominated by the San Diego Poetry Annual editorial staff for the Pushcart Prize. 

The Pushcart Prize: Best of the Small Presses series, published every year since 1976, is the most honored literary project in America - including Highest Honors from the American Academy of Arts and Letters.

When My Son Still Kissed Me Good Night

When my son still kissed me good night,

I did not know enough to be grateful,

thought he would always be close to me.

In the evenings I sat on the edge of his bed 

and he would talk to me and tell me about his day. 

I was sure that I would never lose

this closeness, these moments before he drifted 

off into sleep in the half-dark of his room.

This boy who was so close to me has long vanished 

and in his place, a man draped in silence.

He cannot seem to find the words

to express what he feels,

or at least not with me. He calls me 

every Sunday night at exactly 5:45 PM 

and we have a ten-minute conversation.

When I ask him the same questions, 

he answers with the same words.

I admire the man he has become — 

brave, dependable, honest,

admire how he cares about other people,

how he remembers his friendships 

even with the children he knew 

when he was in grammar school,  high school, and college.

Now he has his own family.

His grown-up children go to him for help and advice.

I wish I could lift the heavy coat of sorrow

that seems to have settled on his shoulders,

could believe that something in his life gives him joy,

but I do not know the magic words to make that happen. 

Before he hangs up, he always says I love you and I say I love you too.

For now, I know that will have to be enough

no matter how much I wish 

there were more that I could do.

---

Maria Mazziotti Gillan's newest poetry collection is When the Stars Were Still Visible (2021). Other recent publications are the poetry and photography collection, Paterson Light and Shadow, and the poetry collections What Blooms in Winter and The Girls in the Chartreuse Jackets, a pairing of her poems with her paintings.
Maria's artist website is MariaMazziottiGillan.com and her poetry website is MariaGillan.com.